Mustn't Tell

  Chapter 1

     Do you know how a moment in time can be forever seared into your memory? The one memory that altered you forever? The memory that lies so deep within your mind, blanketed in so many shadows, that you didn’t think it could ever come out again?

     That’s what I thought. I thought I buried it so deep that I would never have to feel it again. But I fooled myself. It doesn’t matter that it happened years ago. It doesn’t matter that I made new memories. Memories that I could layer over it to hide it from view. The worst memories have a way of coming back to haunt you. When you’re vulnerable, they sneak forward to blindside you. 

     Even though you don’t remember what happened, you still remember the fear, the pain. You still remember the hopelessness of being locked in that dark, windowless room. Even now I can feel myself shutting down, trying to keep it at bay. It’s there, though, teasing at the edges of my consciousness, scratching forward to see the light of day.

     I try to fight it. My walls are crumbling, the fear dragging me down. Maybe, it would be better for me to face it once and for all.

     But, I can’t. If I stare into the wide gaping maw of the monster inside me, the darkness will win and close in. I will lose myself once and for all.

      So much easier to bury it again. Bury it deep so I don’t have to feel it anymore. Somehow, I know that it won’t be gone. It will never be gone. It will just be waiting for that moment to take me again.

      The nightmare consumed me. I struggled, tossing and turning, trying to break free. Whimpering, the fear choking me, I tried to escape the promised torment waiting and watching out of reach. The shadows crept closer, and closer, the darkness ready to devour me.

      Kicking the tangled covers off my legs, the heat of their breath caressed my exposed flesh. Cutting off the half scream, I scrambled away, hitting the hard, unyielding headboard behind me. The need to escape intensified. They couldn’t reach me. I would be lost.

     Drip, drip, drip.

    Something tangible in the dark to grip, something to pull myself free of this unending nightmare. Clawing free of the terror choking me, I bolted upright, my eyes popping wide. So close, they had been so close. I could still feel them there, just waiting. I wildly scanned my room, zeroing in on the shadows coalesced, hovering just out of the light.

     A scream crawled up my throat and almost broke free. My heart pounded in my ears and I huddled in upon myself, shivering. The bed floated on a blanket of night, the moonlight pouring through my windows unable to penetrate the dark surrounding me.

     Breathing in and out, I calmed. The panic started to ease. Scanning my room again, I took stock, trying to ground myself with the mundane. To the left sat my desk, the computer pristine and dust free. The lamp bent over the gleaming surface like an old crone. On the other side lay my bureau, the attached mirror showing my sweaty face, wide eyes and tangled hair. 

      Drip, drip, drip.

     The sound that woke me, that saved me from the nightmare came through the slightly open bathroom door. I frowned, tightening my arms around myself. Something was still off, I didn’t know why. The darkness loomed between the crack, promising terror unknown.

      Pulling my arms away from myself, my skin came away sticky in the hot, stifling room. Climbing off my bed, I crossed to the window to the right and pushed it open wide. A puff of air passed through to cool my overheated face and neck. I sighed in contentment and rested my head against the window frame.

      Outside the light pole stood sentinel, lighting my drive and the road in front of my house. The light didn’t reach the encroaching forest across the road. Nothing ever penetrated that gloom. As I scanned the trees, a flicker of light flashed, there and then gone. Leaning forward, I searched the tree line with my gaze again. Nothing. The shadows hid their secrets, absolute once again. Shivering, suddenly cold, I wrapped my arms around my body and turned away.

     Drip, drip, drip.

     I crossed the room and opened the bathroom door until it banged against the wall. Fumbling along the sink in the dark, I found the handles and turned one then the other. Odd. They wouldn’t turn anymore. Running my hand under the faucet, I found no wetness. Maybe the sound came from the tub. Or maybe like the light in the forest, I just imagined this to drive myself crazy, too.

      Flipping on the light switch, I ran the water to splash it over my face and neck. The instant cold woke me, made my senses more alert. Grabbing the towel by the sink, I dabbed it over my face and neck. I froze at the sudden rustle of cloth behind me. The breath caught in my throat and a chill ran up my spine. 

     Drip, drip, drip.

     Every instinct warned me to flee. The hair on the back of my neck stood at attention, every nerve achingly aware. Goosebumps formed on my exposed arms. Spinning around, my heart pounded staccato in my chest. Ba boom, ba boom, ba boom. The towel fell from my limp fingers, whispering against the white tile as it landed on the floor. 

     No not again, please not again.

     The little girl sat in the tub, watching me. Her dirty nightgown swallowed her small and emaciated frame. Wrapping her arms around her body, she rocked back and forth, her dark eyes never leaving my face. Her dirty hair swung forward against her cheeks, leaving tracks of grime where it touched. Opening her pale and bloodless lips, she mouthed help me. 

     Reaching out with one trembling hand, a gash marring her wrist opened like a wide gaping mouth to drip crimson into the tub.

     Drip, drip, drip.

     And then she was gone.